Shiki Will Mess You Up
by William Ungerstein Fmerigo
Summary: Shikeiki attempts to get her revenge on Reimu, and in the process, is humiliated in every way possible. Rated M for being humiliated in every way possible.


Shikieiki was busy in the Ministry judging the glass of water in front of her.

"In your past life, you gave fifteen people food poisoning! How dare you! And this life, you managed to kill someone, you had so many harmful microbes in you!" Shiki pointed her judgement rod at the glass. "You are sentenced to thirteen years in nutritional purgatory before your next reincarnation, and if you mess that up, Yuyuko will be your fate..."

The glass of water stood still. It was a glass of water, so it couldn't really move, until it was slowly dragged down by tendrils of broccoli into nutritional purgatory.

"Serves you right," Shikieiki said, staring at the glass of water being dragged down with a merciless stare. "When I next see you, I expect good things. Understand?"

The glass of water spilled slightly as it was being dragged down. Eventually, the portal closed.

Shikieiki sighed. "I hate my job. I wish I'd get more chances to fight people _then_ judge them but, no, 'you lost to a shrine maiden'," Shiki said in a snarky imitation of her boss, "'so you have to be stuck on judgement duty for the next three thousand years! You're not good enough at fighting to be a Battle Yama!' Well, I'll show him. Next time, I won't lose. I'll beat seven kinds of yin-yang out of her!"

Shiki's hate had been slowly overpowering her over the past year or two, to the point where she'd been training in all her (little) spare time, letting Komachi goof off a bit, but Shiki was so confident in her combat skills now that she was just waiting for an opportunity.

"I JUST NEED AN OPPORTUNITY!" Shiki shouted. "PLEASE, GOD OF CONVIENENT CLICHES! I NEED A SAVIOR!"

"Meh. You're pathetic," Yukari said from a gap behind her. "I'm the only one to ever get close to beating Reimu, and I only quit because I got bored."

"Go away, Yukari... wait... could you train me to be able to beat Reimu?"

"Nope. I'm just naturally powerful."

"Oh..." Shikieiki sihged. "If only..."

"But I can get you out of your job for a week or so, but Reimu's recently been secretive about where she's been. Supposedly, me talking with Tenshi frightened her enough to go into hiding for a while."

"Wait, how could you get me out of my job for a week?"

"Oh, I asked your boss and he said you deserved it."

"WHAAAAAAT?" Shiki said. " _My_ boss? The Yama that goes around telling people to be more dedicated? The one that actually nearly _killed_ Komachi for being lazy?"

"He said you were the only one that worked as hard as he does."

"Oh..." Shiki blushed. "My senpai really noticed me? Maybe I can finally date him..."

"No, I made that up." Yukari smiled. "I just told him I'd run him over with a train if he didn't let you have a week off."

"No... please tell me he doesn't think I hired you!"

"He did. As it happens, because of your 'resourcefulness,' you've been taken off of judgement duty and promoted to being a Battle Yama."

"W-what?"

"I know the personality of most Yamas. It was the correct action to take. Anyways, don't mess it up this time."

"But I... Where do I go? Where am I stationed, and who's my target?"

"Gensokyo, and your target is unspecified, meaning pretty much 'anyone that deserves a judging'. It's a perfect chance for you."

"Yukari... this is kind of strange for me to ask, but..."

"What?"

"WHY WOULD AS MUCH OF AN EVIL GAP HAG AS YOU HELP THE MESSENGER OF THE PURE, THE ONE THAT CAN TRULY JUDGE ANY MORTAL OR IMMORTAL?"

"Because I got bored. I thought this would be interesting, and Tenshi's giving me a little help too."

"THESE EXCUSES ARE WHY WHEN YOU DIE, YOU'RE GOING TO HELL!"

"Meh? I have some pals in Hell. I check up on them every now and then. Turns out Gensokyan hell's pretty tame."

"I MEANT HEAVEN!"

"Tenshi's there. We get along quite nicely."

"I-I... THE NETHERWORLD!"

"Hmm, I wonder who started an incident with Yuyuko once."

"AAAAARGH!" Shiki screamed. "WHERE _WOULDN'T_ YOU LIKE TO GO WHEN YOU DIE?"

"Hah. Got you." Yukari smirked. "Either way, have fun!" Yukari passed back through her gap, which closed behind her.

"DAMMIT, YUKARI!" Shiki shouted. "I SENTENCE YOU TO BEING SLAPPED! BY A SCYTHE! KOMACHI, WHERE ARE YOU WHEN I NEED YOU?" She sighed, then blushed. "He called me resourceful..." she giggled.

Yukari popped her head out of a gap she'd just opened in the wall and said, "Oh, by the way, that was sarcastic. He's just hoping you'll let out some of your pent-up agression so you can get back to the work you're best at."

"YUKARI!" Shiki screamed.

"Okay, I'm leaving..." Yukari said. "I cry because of you... look at my sad tears," Yukari said.

"THERE ARE NONE! YOU ARE NOT CRYING!"

"Fine, fine." Yukari stuck her head back into the gap, which closed.

Shiki sighed. "So my conquest of love is still a long way to completion..." she said to herself. "Ah, well! I'll prove my worth as a Battle Yama and win his heart!"

Yukari whispered through a tiny gap, "Actually he's getting married next week."

"YUKARIIIIIIIIIIIIII!" Shiki screamed at the top of her lungs.

The gap closed.

Shiki fell to her knees, her dreams crushed. But she eventually stood up, and slowly flew to the portal leading to Gensokyo. "I suppose I'll have to move on..." she said. "Maybe I'll find someone else in Gensokyo..."

A gap appeared floating behind her, with Yukari hanging out of it. "You realize how serious the gender ratio problem's become? The birth rate of new humans has decreased massively!" Yukari asked.

"Hey! It was a clerical error by the Department of Rebirth! It'll be fixed by the next human generation. And plus, I'm not into short-lived imbeciles."

Yukari stifled a laugh, and closed her gap.

Shiki, in anger, sped up her flight, and emerged through the portal into a forest filled with mushrooms. The gate closed behind her and vanished.

"Back in Gensokyo. If I remember correctly, this place is..."

"mushrooms, mushrooms, mushrooms..." a voice said from behind her. "Where's the red ones? Marisa wanted them..."

"YOU! IT'S REIMU! I WANT YOUR SOUL IN EXCHANGE FOR THAT HUMILIATION!" Shiki said, as she turned around and saw a shocked Alice.

"Who are you?" Alice said. "I've never seen you before. And what did Reimu do?"

"She defeated me in battle. I was demoted to a puny judgement officer in the Ministry of What's Right and Wrong. There's no further disgrace for one that used to be a Battle Yama!"

"Whoa... calm down!" Alice said. "If you want Reimu, she's over at Marisa's."

"I remember this Marisa..." Shiki said. "Any friend of Reimu is an enemy of mine, and she's no exception!"

"If that's the case, have fun going up against the whole of Gensokyo. Everyone's on pretty good terms with her here."

"How dare you!" Shiki grabbed Alice by the neck, pinning her up against a tree, with her sharp judgement rod pointed towards her neck like a dagger.

Alice blushed. "Oh, I didn't know you were like that..." She squirmed slightly. "But my body belongs only to Marisa!"

Shiki's eyes grew wide. "What sort of place has Gensokyo _become_ in my absence?" She stepped back, allowing Alice to move.

"Well, I don't know who you are... so..." Alice blushed again. "You aren't really like _that..._ are you?"

"NO!" Shiki yelled. "IF I WERE LIKE _THAT_ , I WOULDN'T BE _ALIVE_ AND STANDING HERE RIGHT NOW!"

"Hey, hey, quiet down y'all..." Marisa said, walking up to them. "Reimu's taking a quick nap, so try not to wake her up, all right?"

"Marisa Kirisame, illegal possessor of Non-Directional Laser, taught magic by the evil Mima, posessor of the most devastating spell-card of all time, Twilight Spark. It was invented before the Spellcard Rules, and its brutality shows it."

"Oh, Shiki! Nice to see ya here!" Marisa said. "I'd make ya some tea, but we only have Earl Grey, and I know your attitude on the color gray."

"That tea is a disgrace! Overconsumption of that tea can lead to muscle cramps and eventual death due to its ingredients!"

"All right, calm down. What are you doing here-"

"I WILL DEFEAT REIMU AND PERMANENTLY RECLAIM MY TITLE AS BATTLE YAMA! THAT GREEDY SHRINE MAIDEN WILL SEE HER FINAL JUDGEMENT GIVEN BY MY VERY HANDS!"

"But you realize what'd happen if Reimu died?"

"THE HAKUREI BARRIER WOULD CONTINUE TO BE UPHELD BY MY UNLIMITED LIFEFORCE, BEFORE AN HEIR IS NAMED BY THE HAKUREI GOD UPON HER DEATH- AND SHE'LL BE TORTURED IN HELL!"

"Wow... you've planned this out so well..." Alice blushed again. "Even Marisa isn't that forceful..."

"Why am I 'forceful' exactly?" Marisa asked. Nobody paid attention.

"SHUT UP, DOLLMAKER! THE ONLY PERSON THAT WOULD EVER LOVE YOU IS THAT DOLL FOLLOWING YOU, BECAUSE YOU _MADE_ IT!"

"Don't be mean to Shanghai!" Alice shouted. "Shanghai's sentient! She has feelings even if she can't show them!"

"WHERE WOULD YOU GET ITS SPIRIT FROM? MURDER!?"

"I don't know... Shanghai just started acting like this one day."

Shiki facepalmed. _Yet another clerical error. Morons. They should let_ me _handle that._

"Mmm?" Reimu said from behind Marisa. "You're arguing with Alice too loud, Marisa..." She turned to look at Shiki's angry, heavily breathing face of pure rage. "Oh, it was Shiki..." Reimu yawned. "Good morning, Shiki. How's it going?"

"REIMU! I WILL END YOUR MORTAL LIFE AND REPLACE IT WITH PAIN!"

"Did I do something?"

"YOU DISGRACED ME AS A YAMA, I LOST MY TITLE, CAUSING ME TO BE HERE NOW, CAUSING ME TO ACCIDENTALLY SEDUCE THE DOLLMAKER, CAUSING ME TO- ACTUALLY, I'M JUST GOING TO KILL YOU NOW!"

Alice blushed. "An accident... you mean to say it must have been fate, then?"

"SHUT UP!"

"Your anger's so adorable... so this is what they call 'tsundere'."

"I HATE MY LIFE!"

"Whoa, Shiki, Alice, calm down!" Marisa said. "Reimu didn't know you'd lose your title..."

"Actually, yeah, I did know, but I figured taking down a bloodthirsty Battle Yama might get me more donations."

"IT WILL ALSO GET YOU YOUR DEATH!"

Marisa, realizing that her help wouldn't get her anywhere, took out a canister of tea, and said, "Shiki, if you do not calm down right now I will force this Earl Grey tea into your mouth. You don't want to be disgraced again, do you?"

Shiki began to shout, but stopped herself and sighed. "Fine, you thief. Where did that tea come from, the Scarlet Devil Mansion's supply for their _honored guests_?"

"How did you know?"

"BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT ONE, YOU-" Alice covered Shiki's mouth with her hands.

"Now, now... you don't want to anger Marisa, of all people," Alice said. "Why don't you come back with me to _my_ house... Marisa's hold on my body _just_ expired."

 _"OH GODS NO!"_ Shiki shouted in her face after prying her hands away. "A YAMA MUST REMAIN PURE!"

"I smell a story!" shouted Aya, who flew down from the sky, taking a picture as she did so. "Nice! A Yama and a dollmaker, huh. It seems like this picture is good too. It didn't get Marisa or anyone else in it, and where Shiki moved Alice's hands is pretty good! Shame there's nothing there, though."

Shiki looked down, then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU INSULT A YAMA'S FORM!"

"Meh? You're in Gensokyo, get used to it... Anyways, I can see the headlines now: 'A Yama's Forbidden Love! The pair found together in the Forest of Magic!' All right, see ya!" Aya flew off so fast Shiki couldn't shank her with the Rod of Remorse.

Shiki fell to her knees, covering her face with her hands. "How will I ever live up to _this_ humiliation... I think Reimu's bested me again, even outside of battle."

"No, it's Aya this time. Sorry." Reimu yawned again, and said, "Well, I'll go back to sleep. See all of you later." She began to walk back to Marisa's house.

"And my boss reads the Bunbunmaru... and he's able to judge what photos are _real_ , too..."

"Well, you could say ya got shamed by Shameimaru!" Marisa laughed. "Looks like you're never goin' back to the Ministry now!"

Alice's face lit up. "Does that mean I'll get to be with Shikieiki forever?"

"Yes, unfortunately. The punishment for what you did there is my priveleges as Yama being revoked, meaning I'll never be able to return. Ever."

Shiki took the Rod of Remorse, and aimed the sharp tip at her throat. "I suppose now is the time for _my_ final judgement... It's been long overdue, now that I think about it. If my boss knew about my hate towards Reimu, this would have happened long ago."

"Extra, Extra! A Yama's Forbidden Love! Only repored by the Bunbunmaru News!" echoed around the sky.

Shiki thrust the judgement rod towards her throat, and it stopped itself. "What?" she said. "That should have worked."

Yukari gapped out from behind a tree and said, "Your priveleges as Yama were _just_ revoked. That means you can't kill yourself with that. Have fun! Also, guess who's the new Yama of Xanadu? Your boss' wife! Oh, the irony!"

Shiki looked at the ground. She stared for about a minute straight, lost in thought. Yukari giggled and gapped away.

"Hey, Shiki, it's not so bad... Gensokyo's a nice place, ya know?"

"Judging was my life. It was all I ever did, all I ever could do."

"S-shiki? Are ya okay?"

"And now I'll remain as an immortal, and I'll unable to judge for the rest of my life."

"Are ya listening to me? It's not _that_ bad. We've got other immortals... Mokou, for instance."

"FUJIWARA NO MOKOU! YOUR LIFE WAS CONSUMED BY HATE, AND YOUR IMMORTALITY SPRANG FROM THAT! WITHOUT KAGUYA, WITHOUT THE _MURDER_ YOU COMMITED TO OBTAIN THE HOURAI ELIXR, JUST TO FIGHT KAGUYA, YOU COULD HAVE LIVED A PURE LIFE, FREE FROM SIN! YAKITORI DOESN'T CHANGE THAT!... is what I would say... but I can't..."

"Shiki, how does one become a Yama?"

"If you commit no sins in your lifetime, nor think of commiting any sins, then you have a miniscule chance. You're too far gone, as is everyone else currently residing in Gensokyo."

"Isn't there something you can do?"

"No... but now that I'm no longer a Yama..." Shiki dropped the judgement rod and stood up. "I can get my revenge in a much, much more violent way than simply dragging Reimu to hell. I'll kill her, maul her corpse, then kill myself!"

"With what?" Marisa asked.

Shiki fell back to the ground. "I hate my life..." she said.

"You could go to Kourindou and buy something, I don't know..."

"With what?"

"Oh..."

Yukari poked her head out of a gap. "Or you could have Marisa steal something!"

"I guess, but Rinnosuke is a friend of mine. I'd rather not."

"Or _I_ could steal something! Or rather, I already did. I put down an IOU in your name, Shiki! Meaning the whole Ministry is now after you for the theft of a legendary sword, and _I_ get the sword!"

"Shiki!" Alice shouted. "We must go into hiding together, as lovers!"

"I _HATE_ YOU! I HATE YOU WITH _EVERY INCH_ OF MY SOUL! I HATE YOU, YUKARI, HUMILIATING ME FOR YOUR OWN ENTERTAINMENT! YOU BROUGHT ME INTO ALL OF THIS, JUST TO MAKE THIS HAPPEN! DID YOU _FORCE_ EVERYONE IN GENSOKYO HUMILIATE ME?"

"Wow, you're good..." Yukari said as she stepped out of her gap into the forest, leaving the gap open. "The only part you missed is that I didn't _make_ everyone do that. They just _did._ It worked out nicely, didn't it? Tenshi's watching the whole thing through a one-way visual gap I've placed in the sky like a camera, and she's laughing her face off! And I brought Mima back from her eternal prison, too, because she knows how to make this great snack... what was it called, _popcorn?_ I wonder... Shiki probably knows what that is with her knowledge of the outside world!"

"It's really delicious!" they heard Tenshi say from inside the gap. Another voice only Marisa and Alice recognised as Mima said, "Thank you! By the way- you get the best flavor when you Master Spark it, or for you I'd reccomend going to Utsuho, for the heat. Twilight Spark burns it to a crisp, though!"

"M-Mima?" Marisa had tears in her eyes. "You're finally back?"

"Yeah, even though I still owe Reimu money. Yukari paid me for some popcorn, though, so I'm good now. I'll probably move back sooner or later."

"M-"

"INTERRUPTING YOUR TEARWRENCHING SCENE, CUZ I'M NAZRIN!" Nazrin shouted.

"YOU THEIVING MOUSE!" Mima shouted from the gap before coming out. "TWILIGHT SPARK!"

"No, wait! MIMA! THAT'LL BUST A HOLE IN THE GENSOKYAN BORDER!" Marisa shouted, but was evaporated by the oncoming Twilight Spark along with the rest of Gensokyo.

Tenshi was still laughing.

"Well, we goofed up." Mima said. "Next time, make a backup save on your computer _before_ I Twilight Spark them."

"Yeah, probably," Yukari said, taking off her Occulus Rift. She placed her controller on the table. "These things from Kourindou are neat, though."

Tenshi was watching from the alternate screen for those who wanted to view and not play. "That was beautiful," she said. "I want in next time."

Mima slipped off her Occulus as well. "Okay, Tenshi. You're up."

 **THE END.**

 _A/N: Even_ I _wasn't expecting that ending, and I wrote this abomination._


End file.
